The Miserable Mill/The Austere Academy/The Ensatz Elevator (A Series of Unfortunate Events)

Dear Reader, I would advise you to put this book down immediately and avoid reading anything further of this letter. Within this gloomy book lie the miserable mill, the austere academy and the ersatz elevator, three further tales of the unhappy Baudelaire orphans. These stories are only likely to depress you. Contained in these pages are such gloomy items as a bad casserole, a giant pincher machine, a man with a cloud of smoke where his head should be, snapping crabs, SORE, the metric system, a darkened stairway, a red herring and parsley soda. It is solemn vow to bring the terrible facts of the Baudelaire orphans' lives to the public, but you may prefer to avoid reading such dreadful things and decide to read something nicer instead.